dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
