we'll go far in life on tits alone.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
