you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
