Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
