I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
