just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
