I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
