I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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