Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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