went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
