I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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