I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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