Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
