I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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