Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
