I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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