she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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