I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
