I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
