I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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