I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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