If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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