Sponge bath it is.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
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she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
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You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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