Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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