On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
