i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
