Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize