Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
