Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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