I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
