so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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