I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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