I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
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I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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