Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
