I just pynch a tree in the face
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
