2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
