Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
