I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
