the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
