do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
