I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
