I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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