It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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