I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I would ride that face into the sunset
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
