even my farts smell like vagina
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
