I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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