shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
