his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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