I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
