I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
