my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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