you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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