your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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