this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
